It's come to my attention that the few people who view my blog who aren't here because they clicked on the link from one of my Cracked articles are here because of some weird glitch that makes my blog appear when people are searching for SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP PORN. I'm not going to say what, but it involves Nicholas Cage. Yes, I'm also surprised that's a thing people want to fap to. If you're one of those dudes I suppose I should tell you before you go any further that you may as well go ahead and put that away right now. And the lotion. Now, go do something else. Cry. Get a puppy. Do something. Because, your life? Not working, my friend.
Okay, everybody who isn't a creepy sex maniac, today I'm going to be talking about one of the greatest scenes of one of the greatest bad movies ever spastically scratched onto celluloid:
No Retreat No Surrender: The Kinda Racist Lionel Ritchie Rap Dance
There’s so much to say about this scene and so little time. Firstly, let’s talk about the plot of the movie. Despite being called No Retreat No Surrender it’s main character spends the runtime of the movie running away from a portly bully who, well, doesn’t even look like he could throw a punch without instantly dropping dead from several coronaries.
If this guy's your bully then, man, you deserve to be bullied
In the scene itself, he teaches his friend RJ ( AKA every offensive racist stereotype of the eighties replete with jerry curl) how to use a wooden dummy. After a quick demonstration he offers RJ a go. And that’s where things get weird as RJ launches into an impromptu dance and rap routine to non-diegetic music that only the audience should be able to hear. Highlights of the clip: when he forgets how gravity works and falls over after trying to walk up a set of shelves, gets annoyed when he’s asked if he’s okay and then continues as if nothing happened.
Best line: “Ain't no shelves made could stop this dancing machine.”